It's been very long since i visited this blog. Yet i have been receiving many insights from the holy spirit, books as well as circumstances that God has put me in. And so i write.

I remember i used to wonder why some people can serve God and church for their entire life seemingly and never get tired of it and why some people just couldn't even endure a month.In my many years in youth ministry,i have seen good friends come and go. In choosing to love the youths, i've ultimately made myself vulnerable when they do silly things that hurt themselves because it hurts me as well. I remember how i used to cry out to God as my good friends abandoned God for the world as well as the backsliding of some youths. Ultimately, what wrecks my heart everytime is witnessing potential being squandered. How many people could be great but passed over because they squandered their god-given talent?

But somewhere along this journey, i stopped crying.

No i did not get filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit. I merely got discouraged and disillusioned. And though God blessed me with an observant heart and mind, the insights and truths that i got out of people totally drained me because most of the time they were negative.

I had failed to remind myself that love must be restorative. Discipline must have hope. Trust in people takes faith. I forgot that my peers and i took years to even be where we are now. I wanted my disciples to be instantly groomed, believing i was good enough to achieve it.

Having being taught this in the hard way, i know i must take the first step to start believing that even the meanest person can be made kind by God's grace. What wrecked my heart those years in youth ministry is beginning to wreck my heart once again. I refuse to see people watse their potential over non-important matters like relationships,educational pursuits and so much more. My heart is simply contrited as i see people making the same old mistakes again and again and again. Except this time, i will be sure to remember that love must be restorative, discipline must hope and trust must take faith. I simply cannot allow myself to lose heart again. Because i do not know if God is going to give me another chance or not. I shudder with awe and fear as i remember that even the great Reinhard Bonnke said that God told him he was the 4th best choice. What an honour the first three who refused God missed! I never want to be in their shoes.

So, what wrecks your heart? What are you going to do about it? Are you going to pass the holy discontentment God placed in you to the next best candidate? We do not even know if we'll live through tomorrow!

Scribble at 06:16 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Some People
Sunday, September 14, 2008

Some people stay in your life and refuse to go,
Some come in and steal your breath away.
Yet others stay a while and then has to go.

Some people walk over to say hello,
Some moves on while others move away,
Yet others leaves memories to follow.

Some people flashes a smile, a reassuring hand and is all yours,
I try yet again, but will never find that firm hand of yours.

Scribble at 11:07 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Much ado about nothing
Monday, June 2, 2008

I feel like something an animal just passed out from their rectum. Maybe worse than that. I feel like the kid who is left out of every game when the team captains get to choose who they want.

I feel lousy.
I feel hurt.
I feel frustrated.

Why cannot? Why cannot see sense?
It doesn't even make any sense at all.
The conversations we had are so truthful and yet so distant.

Perhaps i mean nothing.

Scribble at 01:22 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

Is it your plan?
Saturday, May 24, 2008

I wanted to write a poem. But i have absolutely no mood to do so.

Looks like i am being forced into a very very deep end of the pool.
Why is it that you can't be direct and just speak what's on your mind? Is it your plan to slowly twist and crank my poor heart into admitting that,"Yes you are right all along?"

What a vicious game you play.

Scribble at 10:52 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

I Despise.....
Sunday, April 6, 2008

You for putting me through all these emotional upheavals.
For assuring me nothing will happen and that you will move on only to come back one full circle and ask me to move on instead.
For always asking me not to do anything rash and that i still stand some chance(what chance as i look back now?)when i had wanted to move on.
For behaving as if all these is my fault and that i brought it on myself.
For not even any sense of guilt or apology after making me go through such an unfair treatment.
For telling me that you understand because you have been through this before.So what? Does it make you less responsible for today's outcome?

And for telling me i am still an option even when you were clearly only considering one person.Was it out of fear it might fail and that i am an insurance policy?OR am i simply there to spur "Him" on for you?You SELFISH person.

Lastly, i despise myself for even believing and trusting that you would never put me through all of the above. Everything that he inflicted on you ,you have inflicted on me and perhaps more. Perhaps now you are happy and now you have your revenge.

Scribble at 07:07 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Will the Sun ever shine again?
Saturday, March 29, 2008

My first attempt at writing a song.

The day was fine as i walk out the road,
The sun on my back ,the breeze blowing on.
I thought that you look beautiful in that gorgeous dress of yours.


I waved at you and you smile at me,
i walk towards you and you took a step.
Eventually as we neared i see ur beautiful smile
And you walk past me.

As i walk back home,
the stars looks dim,
the wind blew cold,
but not as cold as my heart.

And what could i say but smile at the memories,
thinking of those happy gems of thoughts?
Love never shared is better to have gone
wounds will heal but hurts will go on......

Scribble at 08:32 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

The Best isn't enough
Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Best still fails

Everyone told me i was making the right decision,
But nobody imagined the pain it brings.
Like a surgeon making brutally accurate incisions,
so my heart hurts till my body cringes.

Was there any moment i could have held your heart,
that as hearts meet a moment's peace experienced?
But this peace already proves difficult and hard,
For nothing i do will bring me that you so dearly experienced.

I could weave words into letters of love,
lavish gifts so dear 'cause it befits you.
But all the words i have fails to net your love,
and the treasures of Solomon not enough for you.

Can my soul survive from such a fall?
The lips move to smile but the heart grieves.
for i have ventured my all,
and all that accompanied me are dead leaves.

Scribble at 12:32 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

If words could
Tuesday, January 8, 2008

If mere words could conjure up warm, fuzzy feelings within us and that love could be written such that a nunnery will run amok, I'll write scores of books and each would be authored by you.

If words could salvage a second chance,could soothe pain and heal sicknesses, i would have concoct bottles of remedies with lenitive effects on the body.

If words could transform me, i would rather be the arm of a chair so that you may rest your arms on me.

If only words could.

Scribble at 11:57 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

The Year 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008

2007 passed by rather quickly.

IT was a year of ups and downs,of euphoria and sorrow. I ORD-ed, started a humble business, learnt more about myself and applied to be a relief teacher. I had much fun and lessons to learn from in the year 2007. Thank God for all of them.

In this better year, let me be a better servant to God. Let me be a better Man for myself. Let me be genuine. Let me be consistent.Let me be successful.

Let me accomplish all things with God.

Scribble at 12:32 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

A mission too hard
Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I must admit, it is not only hard ,but it is also exceedingly frustrating for one to surrender to God.I want to have some say in the matter but God ,in his wisdom, thinks i should have none. Maybe in a few years time i would find myself nodding my head at His sentiments,it still is a gargantuan task for me. Why do i call it task? Because nobody likes tasks!

One might say it is possible to achieve total abandonment through logical thinking and adopting the perspective of God. But i say it is foolish to do so. For one thing i know, God works in ways that defies human logic. Hence, to say that you want to love and surrender to him after logically thinking through is like saying i think i can prevent heartaches and disappointments for the rest of my life if i logically think through them and resolve not to place myself in that situation. Bah! No,one must love God and surrender to Him through passion first(for no one ever starts anything willingly without first showing an interest in it) and then through sheer determination to want to stick to it. For love,after the heat of passion,must become a habit and part of you.

Also,my dear friends, it is impossible to adopt the perspective of God! If we could,the world would be a better place and human kind would love each other. If we could,there would be no need for Jesus Christ to die on a blood cross and thus inspire the word,"Excruciating". And rightly so! Man can never understand the infinite wisdom of the Living God and will never do so because all have sinned. Our perspective is marred by our own desires. It is like having a drop of water in a glass of wine. You can't taste the difference but the wine is never the same. Our very humanity is that drop of water.

The course to trust and surrender to God can only be through broken-ness and a contrite heart. In our process of learning to do so,God will break us time and time again. IT will be excruciating all right to carry the cross. Only through broken-ness and a contrited spirit will human beings understand that God alone is sovereign.And if he chooses not to use us anymore ,we must not complain.Because we never could have given him cause to even look at us anyway.

Scribble at 10:55 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

And so the tears start falling
Monday, November 12, 2007

I wept.

I think it's just a bit too overwhelming for my own heart. It's a great big struggle and pressure for me. Whereas other people has their Jonathans to be ready to listen to their woes,of which some is me, i really have no other. Namely because i really have no one that i can sit down,share,weep and laugh like it doesn't matter. It's really hard listening to something that really disgusts you and yet be a good ear. What more if the matter actually torments you further. IT is gut-wrenching,heart-rending and it feels as if someone just finished wringing your heart dry. And then after that,they put it on the washboard and proceed to beat it with sticks.Finally,as a coup de grace, they sprinkle salt all over it.

This is so hard,so hard. And finally after all those tears....Does it matter actually?What if Daphne was right?What if i am really a time-filler or just used to prove a point?

But at the end of it all,i still am concerned.

If i really am a fool in this,then let it all end spectacularly as a sacrifice to mine.

Scribble at 01:12 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

A Choice
Saturday, November 10, 2007

I was walking around Suntec with Daphne yesterday and we came across this nice figurine with the caption," I picked you to love".

Reminded me of tons of stuff. Some happy,some not.

Indeed,love is a choice. Though it may be painful for us, if we have a choice,would we want to force someone to love us? I think some would say "yes" initially.But as the days goes by,it would not seem right.

God is sovereign.

Scribble at 02:20 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

I was bored.
Monday, November 5, 2007

Some test results from the online quizzes that i do.

Reynard, you're a hopeless romantic for The Little Things

Breakfast in bed? An incognito text message? Nobody knows better than you that it's the little things that matter. Down to earth and reserved, romance works best for you when it's not dressed up like a big stereotype. We're pretty sure you're one of the last people on earth to propose in skywriting, right? After all, you probably think that things are best done with a little discretion and common sense, in love and out.

You probably think JLo explained it best when she sang, "My love don't cost a thing." So true! It's the little things in life that show just how important you are to the ones who love you.

Are You a Suave Guy?

Wow — you're quite the Casanova! You know how to play the dating game; in fact, you're damn good at it. We can tell you're a real woman-magnet and are never without an admirer or three. When combined with your significant charm, your attentive, sensitive demeanor makes you irresistible. Someone definitely made sure that you know how to treat a woman — ladies always feel special and appreciated when you're with them. You've got a knack for expressing yourself and showing your interest without looking too eager, too. That's a difficult balancing act, and you deserve a pat on the back for perfecting it. At the rate you're going, you won't be dating much longer before you score your dream girl!

I'm not entirely convinced about this.

Reynard, you're single because you don't want to commit

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has probably told you that you haven't quite grown up yet, that you're still holding out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a knockin'. Or perhaps you're just having a difficult time accepting that your comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that. After all, you're probably a lot of fun to be around and may be the life of the party.

But when it comes to settling down, you leave without looking back twice. Now's the time to ask yourself: Why? What's holding you back? Maybe you don't want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps by saying "yes" to someone, you're afraid you'll lose yourself, or the possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best relationships are those that never stop growing. That's something you can identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you're really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

Scribble at 10:58 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Remembrance day on the Nov 11th
Monday, November 5, 2007

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

— John McCrae

Scribble at 04:42 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Am i happy?
Sunday, November 4, 2007

Do i really seem as calm as i look? Am i happy at the status quo? Or as Roel and i have concluded, am i really getting my kicks from playing the tragic hero?

I must say that the answer is "NO" except for the third question.(Maybe we are closet masochists as Roel pointed out)

Raymond(my combat medic mate) brought me to fish today. I really enjoyed myself.Being there by the sea waiting for the fish to bite.Watching and hearing the crash of the waves.It's therapeutic. I saw a rainbow in the distance and realised that isn't all these God's creation? How creative He must be to make light out of 7 colours! Everything is the Lord's. And i must say that it really lifted my spirits. And this gesture by Raymond goes a long way to alleviate my mood. Even typing this seems a little sad now that it's over. But precisely because it's in the past that memories are beautiful as one reminisce about it.

But i am still sad. I am not depressed though. There's a sea of difference between them. I seem to be making decisions that contradicts with what i believe in. And i seem to be losing myself with decisions that i know i shouldn't but did anyway.

How can i have allowed myself to disobey my sense of reason and logic to follow my emotions? And though the mind knows that this persistence in following the heart's will, will not yield any results,the heart seems to overwrite the mind in every single encounter.

And so i am sad. People assumed i have walked away. And people always assumed anyway.

But i haven't,i merely adopted a different posture.

Scribble at 01:27 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

A quiz
Saturday, October 27, 2007

Since dear old Daphne DEMANDED: Top five birthday / Christmas presents you wish for (in random order):
1. Digital camera!
2. iPod
3. Clothes
4. A holiday to somewhere
5. Laptop
Yup i need those things.

1. The last person who tagged you is...
I don't know.Don't have one.But for the convenience of this quiz,i shall put it as Daphne

2. Your relationship with him / her is...
My dear aunt

3. Your five impressions of him / her:(bear in mind those first impressions began at 6 years old,it has since changed)
a) nice to be with
b) cute
c) Smart but not streetsmart
d) sweet
e) my cousin?

4. The most memorable thing he / she has done for you?
Having dinner with me on my 21st birthday even though she was sick.
5. The most memorable words he / she has said to you?
If i was (name censored),i would choose you over (censored again) any day!

6. If he / she becomes your lover, what would you do?
I'll need to establish if it's incest and if it's genetically damaging for offspring

7. If he / she becomes your lover, what are the things he / she will have to improve on?
Admit that i am smarter

8. If he / she becomes your enemy, what would you do?
Complain to Delia :p

9. If he / she becomes your enemy, what would the reason be?
Because i am smarter?

10. The thing you most want to do for him / her now is?
Dinner

11. Your overall impression of him / her is?
She's been very good company

12. How do you think people around you feel about you?
That i am too rational.That i may be un-emotive.That i do not give a damn

13. What is one characteristic you love most about yourself?
If i'm your friend,i will be your friend till the day i die or when you betray my trust

14. What is one characteristic you hate most about yourself?
Unwilling to trust
15. Who do you want to be?
ME.And be loved for it : )
16. Say something to the people who care about you:
You know i love all of you. I wish some of you to be more understanding

17. Pass this quiz to 10 people whose feelings about you you wish to know:
It's not in order:

1. Daphne
2. Xiang
3. Jiayu
4. Kiat Yee
5. Jacqueline
6. Carrie
7. Ian
8. Brina AKA Reena
9. Janice Chee
10. Delia

18. Who is 6 in a relationship with?
Her book.

19. Is 9 male or female?
Female

20. If 7 & 10 were together, would it be a good thing?
No. because 10 has got a great husband already

21. How about 5 & 8?
I don't encourage homosexuality

22. What is 2 studying?
Bio Science

23. When was the last time you had a chat with 3?
This afternoon

24. What kind of music does 8 like?
Those lovey dovey ones.haha

25. Does 1 have any siblings?
One sister and one brother.She's the youngest.: )
26. Would you woo 3?
She's my pal

27. How about 7?
Not even if he was female.ahaha

28. Is 4 single?
Hopefully not in the near future

29. What is 5's surname?
Chan

30. What is 10's nickname?
Indian dancer?haha been so long

31. What is 4's hobby?
Sleep and nua

32. Do 5 & 9 get along well?
They...don't even know each other personally?

33. Where is 2 studying?
NTU

34. Say something random about 1.
She's supposed to be attached officially.

35. Have you tried developing feelings for 8?
She's my Reena banana xiao mei : )

36. Where does 9 live?
Bishan

37. What color does 4 like?
Blue?

38. Are 1 & 5 best friends?
They don't even know the other exists.

39. Does 7 like 2?
They will kill each other

40. How did you get to know 2?
Through her ex-boyfriend

41. Does 1 have any pets?
nope,she'll kill them

42. Is 7 the sexiest person in the world?
YEs, but only if i retire

Scribble at 03:06 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

Danny's married!
Monday, October 15, 2007

I remembered when i was 15 or 16 and i told Danny i would pray for him to get a wife everyday when i prayed.This lasted probably a month before it gradually became sort of a as and when prayer item when i felt like it.
Hence, seeing him in his wedding suit and Huiping in her wedding gown on 131007 was in itself a rather special personal occasion to me. For now that i am 21 years of age, My dear Danny aka lao pa whom i have grudgingly come to admit that i hold more love and respect than i would care to admit,is now officially married to a sweet lady.

I teared a bit. But well, a true MAN would have emotions!

And Pastor Tiak being Pastor Tiak always have some wise words for us all as he led the exhortation during the holy matrimony. One of the things that he said which caught my attention was that ," Danny, your role is to complement,not change Huiping...." And i thought that was a wonderful piece of gem that most of us sometimes forget about.
Alot of us think that we should change or rather,our partner should change to suit our desires or their desires. But is that why we fell for each other in the first place? I would like to think it was precisely that difference in character that fueled our affections. If we wanted someone like us,we would be the happiest marrying a clone of our opposite gender. Every couple needs to remember that it was that first argument,first difference in opinions that somehow added spice and spunk to the courtship process and eventually,the relationship itself.

In anyway, here's my blessings to Danny and Huiping that may God in His abundant grace always present their marriage with opportunities to love each other.

Scribble at 12:42 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

The player on the bench
Tuesday, October 9, 2007

It has been brought to my attention that i am indeed the player who sits on the bench vainly hoping that the manager will at least let him play for a few minutes before the game ends.

A few weeks of thinking and some careful reading as well as observance brought me to this deeply unsettling conclusion. That i am perhaps blindly self confident in my endeavours. That perhaps i have been led by the nose of my own free and blind will. Even now,ladies and gentlemen,even now i am still in a state of deep shock as to the extent that i allowed myself to descend.

I feel like i was an excuse,another reason or perhaps even a stepping stone for the other party to move along. I was never convinced at the "truth" and "facts" that was presented to me. And with hindsight,perhaps i acted like a child distracted from his original intent with the promise of a beating/candy.

But i am well and fine. Just nursing a bruised ego. As for the organ that continues to beat on the left side of my chest, it has become rather disappointed at the hopelessness of it all. Perhaps a victim of self-victimization. But it's been pumping an equal amount of blood and tears whenever i unknowingly let down my guard.

I care but i cannot be bothered anymore.

Scribble at 12:34 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Actually.......
Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I think somewhere deep in the recesses of this heart lies a deep wound caused by foolishness and naivety. I had thought i was rather detached already but i didn't expect that familiar sensation of tears rising up and out through your tear ducts and slowly filling up the window of your soul- the eyes. Things get blurry and perspectives marred as you look through a liquid filled window.

God, i do not deny i am hurting inside. But was i wrong in interpreting your signs? OR did i move too soon/late and now i have squandered away my chances? Have you given me this gift of discernment and prophecy to only to know i cannot decipher my own future? Cleanse my soul from the poison that this decaying wound produces please O God. To love You and please You must become my aim and goal or i shall fail in my every endeavour. I know You love me because You would not fail to discipline the child that you are grooming for your inheritance. And yet while the mind knows, the heart does not register this love. I want You near again. Please help me to love You. No one sees beyond this skin of confidence more clearly than You. Though you do not need my promises, i still promise You that my heart shall be yours alone until You will call me out of it. I will not go forward without Your clear calling again.

"You cannot see the future with tears in your eyes"
-Navajo proverb.

Scribble at 07:22 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Mid-Autumns?!?!?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Mid Autumns just slipped by quietly an hour ago.If not for my friend who messaged me and wished me a good Mid-Autumns,i wouldn't know it was here at all! Anyway i remember this day is supposed to be a Chinese Valentine's too. But it doesn't matter.

Anyway i have done something outside of my character. I've decided to organise a mid-autumns lantern festival sort of thing for my cg. I still do not know the receptivity of the idea yet.But it would be fun and cool to do it although,yes i know, it's over!

I've found that i'm more upset about certain things in the church pertaining to higher management than what people would feel i would be upset about.. I feel like a soldier let down by his general. Like how a soldier would feel when the promised supplies by HQ never got through or that reinforcements weren't coming. It can get to the point of pure frustration at times. But i guess i would never understand the emotions felt by Danny and Angela. Must have been a few times more.

I must be a strong person i guess. Things must be put into perspectives and perspectives handled with objectivity. Rationality must be the word of the day! I may be upset but my work must still carry on and i must continue to reach for the joy of the Lord even now,even more so now.

Scribble at 12:59 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

It has come down to.....
Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Getting over her.

Those in the know,good for you.Those who don't,too bad!

Yes, it all happened two Saturdays ago.

But my dear readers,i am fine.Of course there's the usual melancholic phase but i thank God it wasn't long.But just because it's long doesn't mean it didn't hurt badly. I guess it's better this way.

I found out things that would have really upset me but doesn't now. So it's not all at a loss.

To my dear CG who reads my blog and knows what i am talking about, yes it's true.So i guess no more speculations yea? And i am really sorry if my mood has affected some of you guys. But i am fine and still rational,sober and sane.

Of course, gifts and treats are always welcomed. :)

Scribble at 01:18 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

something i did because i couldn't sleep
Wednesday, September 12, 2007

You Are 7 Up

Understated and subtle, people warm up to you slowly. But once they're hooked, they can't imagine going back to anyone else! Your best soda match: Diet Coke Stay away from: Mountain Dew

Scribble at 01:49 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

Off my head fresh.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I do not know what to do without writing and typing anymore.In fact, this blog and another dear person keeps me from ever becoming the dark character that you see here. It would not be pleasant to see me like this in real life.Not at all.

I am not lying when i say i am caught unawares. In fact, is it a friend's or even good friend's responsibility to listen to you belt out that you're pissed? And then talk as if i am the one that pissed you off.That's all fine.But not to tell me what's going on because you already told another? So apparently i'm officially someone you can come to and say that you're pissed,proceed to act like you're pissed with me while i remain totally clueless on what's happening. What's worst is that i am actually concerned. Combined with the fact that i do care alot,to say that i am upset is a severe understatement.

Call me sensitive, call me petty. In fact,call me anything you want. But there are some things in life that is black and white. There are some things in life you do that you cannot just walk away and pretend everything is sunny. As a matter of fact, what you did is wrong and i wouldn't bend my back and take a step back.

And what takes the cake is you're actually telling me you are fine and then expect me to swallow everything hook,line and sinker?! How can you be fine after your display of how pissed you are and then actually taking the time to demonstrate that indeed you are?

If there are two things in life that could bring me to the stage where i actually cry over it, it's taking me for granted and lies from people i trust and love.( yes,every single kind except the one where you lie so you can plan a pleasant surprise for me).

And you've reached there.

Scribble at 12:19 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

Such Irresponsibility!
Monday, September 10, 2007

Do you test drive a car,ask all the irritating questions and then wander off without ever having any resemblance of intention in buying it?

Do you call up a service centre for troubleshooting and after all the efforts they went through finally decided that you do not want their service?

Does friends meet each other,play together and then break apart when newer, better friends comes along?

Do you then, allow yourself to be gotten close to, pour out your feelings to someone else? Do you allow another's presence with you all along when you are lonely? Do you promise a bit of hope?
And then you move away, try to stop talking and reject his presence.

Such irresponsibility ,such stupidity, such callousness of the heart.

And the worse of all is the person who still believes in hoping against all hope.

Scribble at 12:11 a.m.
[ something for me? ]

My personality
Wednesday, September 5, 2007

You Are An ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. In love, you are loyal and honest. If you commit yourself to someone, then you're fully committed. For you, love is something that happens naturally. And you don't need romantic gestures to feel loved. At work, you remember details well and are happy to take on any responsibility. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer. How you see yourself: Decisive, stable, and dependable When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, conservative, and egotistical

Scribble at 09:09 p.m.
[ something for me? ]

Star of the Month for Navy Medical Service
Saturday, September 1, 2007

Yup,i got what you would call an "employee of the month" award equivalent in the Navy Medical Service. Oh i did smile and felt a bit warmer as a result but that feeling was fleeting. There's hardly anyone i can share this piece of good news with that would feel happy for me just because he or she sincerely loves me as a person. And as a result,that joy was short-lived.

Friends i have many,good friends i have some. But a friend i am willing to share my life with?Maybe two. But one was away and the other i wonder if it's even mutual. On a random side,people looking to be encouraged shouldn't come to my blog,because i mostly write about sad and sentimental things here,believing that i can capture it better in my writing.

I digressed.

I think the Chinese couldn't have captured it better in their language about intimate friends when they came up with "Jiu feng zhi zi jian pei shao", loosely translated to mean that a thousand cups of wine would be considered little when catching up with friends that,as i put it, knows you just a little lesser than God does.

I need someone that knows me better than i do,someone that i enjoy talking to and someone that makes me feel comfortable as myself.Someone that is constant in thier dealings with me. And i'm not even talking about a life-partner!

Oh the sun need not come out when in the company of true friends!

Scribble at 07:09 p.m.
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If not for God,then for what?
Friday, August 24, 2007

Having read a few blogs recently. I realised that those who actually thinks and ponders on life always comes to the same conclusion.
THAT LIFE COULD BE MORE MEANINGFUL.(note that i didn't say it's meaningless)

A life more meaningful,i suppose,would be living a life that you wouldn't normally be leading. For if you're always doing what you've been trained,called,employed to do,it may at best be a sense of satisfaction that you'll be feeling at the end of the day.But a meaningful life? I'm afraid it is harder to achieve. Because my premise for a meaningful life is this,"that you need to do something positive and out of your comfort zone to achieve it."

Just think of the last time you went on a mission trip.That feeling that you've just did something meaningful.Or ask a person who just saved someone from drowning,that was surely a meaningful act. Or simply going out of your way in your otherwise routine life to make a stranger happy. Or visit the child leukemia clinic in a hospital to cheer those kids up. All these are things we don't usually do and yet when we do them,we derive a sense of meaning and satisfaction out of it.

My conclusion is therefore, go and make disciples of all nations.Because following Christ is not something we always do.

Scribble at 12:29 a.m.
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A stitch in time....
Wednesday, August 22, 2007

For want of a nail,the horseshoe was lost.

For want of the horseshoe,the horse was lost.

For want of a horse,the message was not delivered.

For want of the message,the war was lost.

Scribble at 09:45 p.m.
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What if it's Fruitless?
Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm in this rather confused state of mind(Yanjun,if you're stalking my blog,please learn your stuff quickly so you can do your tests on me,i volunteer to be your guinea pig).

I've been thinking that supposed one's efforts might be considered worth it by oneself,what defines the worthiness of his endeavour? Does him placing value on it makes it anymore valuable?
Or rather, is it the measure of the fruits that is a result of his endeavour that makes it worthwhile? In that case,the emotional bows before the physical. Sounds shallow but man does function that way. Everything must bear fruit or else they perish.Be it spiritual,emotional or physical,the means must justify the ends.

Having established that,i can tell myself that perhaps it is just God's plan for me? I have always rushed in at the wrong place and the wrong time anyway,why should this case be any special?I'm not self-depreciating here but what's the matter if it's just one more time?

It certainly had felt different.I had felt that for once it might turned out even mildly favourable. Alas,it is not to be! My efforts,no matter how worthy i consider it,have come to naught.There is no results.

I think alone,laugh alone,cry alone. I can even fall sick and no one knows.Perhaps the most ridiculous and yet surprisingly sober truth is this,i might just disappear and people would start to wonder after 2 weeks if Roy isn't in church.

And so,i shall endeavour to get myself out of this state. I must not worry for someone that does not worry for me. At least at the end of the day,i can promise some results out of this.

Scribble at 12:54 a.m.
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I care.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007

It seems like i care,but you don't. I ask,and you don't. I assure and you don't. I'm concerned and you're nonchalant.

Friends aren't supposed to be like this.All the more "good friends" aren't. But that's how it is. My issues are easily brought over with other things. I listen and you turn a deaf ear. You simply do not care or you show the minimum.

And why is it that people like me are accused of "thinking too much" when we feel upset or emotional? Am i designed to be rational and calm at all times?Have i no feelings and a mind of my own? Please,if you really really am not interested,let's just leave it at that. i'm not looking for pseudo-concern.

Friendship is a two way thing if you realised.

I'm hurt.

Scribble at 11:15 p.m.
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The End of the Day
Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The End of the day

Once i thought i would fear my sabbath day,
Because i fear the day would end
with nobody by my side to stay.

So off i went to soak myself,
in life's multiple task that waits,
never caring dearer for myself.

But i found you at that special day,
now i wish my work would end
with you by my side to stay.

And i would go and throw myself,
In life's truest joy that waits,
For you make me dearer to myself.

Scribble at 01:33 a.m.
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Cars
Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I feel like a Lexus;one of the most well made car out there but will never be as popular as a Beemer or Benz.

Sorry to disappoint whoever's reading this,but this will be like the only mention of cars in this entry.

I feel really lousy.Not the kind of lousy where you think you are a failure but just simply lousy. The kind of lousy where the sun shines brightly for you and you get a sunburn.The kind of lousy where you meet a nice and pretty girl smiling at you only to realise she's a transvestite. Yes,that's the kind of lousy i am talking about.

I really try very hard. But it never seems enough. I just feel it's worth it. But the going's never easy. IT would have been pretty simple to be direct to me and everything can stop there. Instead, i have to guess and second-guess. And then there's the subtle rejection.I really really am good at coming in at the wrong time. Or i'm just not good enough la contrary to what people tells me. We have to be brutally honest with ourselves at times,you either make it or break it.
It's so hard to hear something that can perhaps spurs me on

Can i blame anyone then?
NO! If anyone is to blame, it would be my fault and mine alone.

Right ,i believed i have ranted enough.Some day i will look back at this and laugh at myself....i know.

Scribble at 09:52 p.m.
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The Rainy Sky
Saturday, June 24, 2006

I write this with a heavy heart.A heart that has perhaps,in its enthusiasm to build lasting friendships,fizzled out.A heart that all in all,has tired out.

Why do i say it?Let me tell all of you an allegory.

Fizz the pumpkin was a very friendly pumpkin by nature.It cared for his friends,the carrots,cabbages and potatoes.He was very easygoing,ready to say hi and give a greeting wherver he saw his friends.His house,though modest,was nevertheless open to his friends as well.He was quite popular among his friends.But he realised it wasn't enough.And soon,he realised that it was tiring to be the one always smiling and greeting his friends.The one who would always lend an ear and give advices.Fizz the pumpkin was tired being the one trying to maintain his friendships.He was disappointed that only few ,in fact none, of his friends ever took the initiative to pop by and say hello.So in his little pumpkin mind,he wondered whether those friends cared if someone from the outside world were to pluck him from the ground and make him a decoration for halloween.He tried to dismiss it,but he couldn't because the actions of his friends confirmed his very suspicions.

Now Fizz was not feeling jealous or being anal about this matter.He is popular within his other circle of friends,namely the fruits.They would have fun together and they cared about each other.Fizz loved this friends and sometimes contemplated joining the fruits instead.But Fizz is not that kind of person.Because though he's tired out,Fizz loved the vegetables in his own garden patch.They were after all,his own kind,sharing the same beliefs that all of them ,when they have finally rotted,would go to vegetable heaven where abundant waters and sunlight would be there for all.

But till this day,Fizz's heart is still as heavy as mine.

Scribble at 08:52 a.m.
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I need some direction
Sunday, March 26, 2006

Well i have officially POP-ed on the 15th of March. My twentieth birthday passed by peacefully.I would have wanted it like this anyway.Have found myself to be more critical than usual.However,i am more lethargic than usual.Perhaps it is in remote isolation that i really recuperate.

Anyway,i have gotten back my A'levels results.
English Literature:B
History:C
Economics:E
I guess people might find it strange that i am rather pleased by my otherwise "screwed" results as some high and mighty people from the colleges at Bishan and Marine Parade might perceive it.But i am content.To get into NUS FASS is another different matter though.But i suppose God would see me through.He has already proven it so many times.

I feel that God is like oozing away out of me from my very pores.I just feel disconnected.Is it some kind of ritualistic withdrawal every Singaporean male will go through when they serve their nation.Does this then prove the Bible's theory that no men shall serve two masters?IT's really hard on me(as i shamelessly agree) i guess but it's gonna be hard for God to shake me off like that....i'll never allow myself to.

Scribble at 01:50 a.m.
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Two months in the Army and i feel......
Monday, January 30, 2006

The previous entry was about my A'levels,and now,it's two months ever since i enlisted,time flies doesn't it?

I have finished field camp already,now it's just left with sit test and physical trainning. Been really more of an emotional ride for me during these couple of months.On one hand,i love the military life,and on the other,the lonliness and boredom really gnaws at you like a maggot that has grown on your rotten heart.(nice analogy eh?)

Army has got me to be more appreciative of what i have....even simple things like the shower and bed i am thankful.Army really has a lot to teach...Two years of national service will prove to be two years of valuable experience to me.I am inspired by my platoon sergeant on how he feels proud to be able to change one's life.I want to feel this way too,changing people's life not just in church but in the army.

On a separate note,the weeks cooped up in tekong made me thankful i don't have a girlfriend and yet,makes me long for one. For example,i don't have to divide my time with family,church and girlfriend when i book out and yet,no one really understands the lonliness a proud soldier of the Singapore Armed Forces feel when he in and out of camp. What do friends,who doesn't serve a normal or combat BMT ,or even having never served NS yet,know the feelings of people like me?What do girls understand even?!

Only God knows,but i haven't the real courage and strength to really pour everything out to Him.I think this is where my real emotions come in.I do not know,therefore i depend on Him.

Scribble at 07:18 p.m.
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The Winter Offensive is starting
Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Just thought i'd write something after so long.

Well it's about 2 more days till the A'levels start...Amazing isn't it? I'll do my best.

Well i've been asked to step down from Area leadership. In Danny's words," You need to slow down due to A's and Army.haha....I never did thought i was going on ahead fast.Well........

I was lost and insecure at first of course,but it's all sorted out.

The Winter Offensive of God is starting people,do you not perceive it? After this year and after the 100 youth barrier,YF will never be the same again guys. Growth will come,people will become strangers,Areas will grow bigger, Cgs will be more independent. Such will be the change when God comes. Are we prepared for such undeserved blessings? We would need more leaders...more MALE leaders in fact.

I fear the day may come when our standards are compromised because of numbers and we will end up with reputations like most of the Mega churches out there. But it is those who acknowledge fears and face them that are the bravest compared to those that have "none" to fear isn't it?

I shall be brave then.

Scribble at 03:05 a.m.
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I love you dear friend
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Well beloved readers,if there's any left,it's been very long since i came here to type about my life....largely due to the abundance of it,i couldn't really update.lol.

Well,quite a bit happened since i last wrote that poem. I was deeply encouraged by God to know that two girls i liked in the past actually were interested in me too. Right it's a bit egoistical and i'll be frank with you guys that yes,it feels nice and warm knowing you are actually single for God not because no one likes you but because you don't go around looking for one.hahaha.

And because i am human afterall,i do feel the pity of it. But like i said,i am human and so can be contradictory. While liking them,i don't start off with the agenda if eventually getting attached,so i am not that affected afterall. Because i know God has a plan for me and i am waiting to see that plan fulfilled.

I really am thankful for the little things you do that brightens up my day. I cherish this friendship alot. I only pray i can be a good friend to you.

Scribble at 01:21 a.m.
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My Love song/poem/whatever to no one
Thursday, April 7, 2005

If i could walk the earth
and reign as king
a servant i am
to you befitting
to exalt you in the highest
heaven
my wish ,as it has been,
for many years.

And so if you ask me
my honoured friends
a throne i would not sit
nor set eyes on,
chains i'd rather not break
else i am free.
For under your love
freedom and love flows.

And if feelings still fails you,
Ich Liebe Dich.

I was feeling corny my dear loyal fans....so well have a good laugh or good cry.haha

Scribble at 11:53 p.m.
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Isaiah 66:7-10
Tuesday, April 5, 2005

God told me to claim these verses as a promise to my cg,particularly in the area of multiplication. For there definitely will be pains in trying to raise up a new cg,much less multiply it. But His promises will endure, they are as good as fulfilled because God always delivers.

Unless there be pain, how can a mother give birth? And unless there be pain for me, how can the cg multiply? But God is graceful, He promise that when no sooner am the mother is in labour, she will deliver the children. I have the feeling multiplication will be fast and in the near future.

Amen and to God be the glory forever and ever.

Scribble at 03:51 a.m.
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Quiz Quiz Quiz!
Friday, April 1, 2005

You Belong in New Zealand

Good on ya, mate You're the best looking one of the bunch Though you're often forgotten... You're quite proud of who you are

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

Scribble at 01:16 a.m.
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I'm just special
Tuesday, March 29, 2005

-

In 1986 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan is president of the US The US officially observes Martin Luther King Day as a national holiday for the first time The space shuttle Challenger explodes moments after lift off, killing 6 astronauts and a teacher A major nuclear disaster occurs at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in the Soviet Union Japanese video game maker Nintendo introduces its games to America US warplanes bomb Libyan headquarters in retaliation for terrorist attacks The Soviet Union launches the Mir space station IBM unveils the PC Convertible, the first laptop computer Charlotte Church, The Olsen twins, and Lindsay Lohan are born New York Mets win the World Series Chicago Bears win Superbowl XX Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup Top Gun is the top grossing film "That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne & Friends spends the most time at the top of the US charts ALF, the Oprah Winfrey Show, and Pee-wee's Playhouse premiere

Scribble at 03:16 a.m.
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Some tests i did
Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind (You've been known to still have connections with exes) But sometimes your love is not the most passionate Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

Scribble at 02:59 a.m.
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After 19 long years.....
Saturday, March 12, 2005

I FINALLY KNOW HOT TO RIDE A BICYCLE! Ok guys i can sense some giggles but it's true ...the awful truth. For 19 years i've never known the joy of riding a bike and now...i feel bliss! This is awesome!

And it all took me 20 minutes. And the irony is that i got my injury after learning how to ride a bike. Well the story goes that after i have learnt how to ride it,i had to brake for some reason i can't recall...and i had to use my leg to move the bike...then the pedal hit the already open wound on my knee and the blood just seems to be free and it flowed like a stream of water down the mountains of the Alps.

SO NO ONE CAN LAUGH WHEN I SAY I DID IT BY SWEAT AND BLOOD.....cos it's literally..hahaha.

Anyway this is Reynard,signing off.

Scribble at 11:02 p.m.
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IT's been so long, and too much to tell
Monday, February 14, 2005

Well guys it's been long and most would think this blog dead.So much in me.

Today was Valentine's day.Yup the girls in my class got us chocolates,chocolates and more chocolates...And then my new mei, Corinne brought me more chocolates as well as a card from her twin,Meiting.IT's been a blessing seriously.

Somehow i feel wierd because i suddenly see my fellow ruggers going after the touch ruggers and most are close to getting attached.Makes me wonder what and why am i keeping single.

The answer is God.Well it's true i do get the pangs of lonliness at times and wish to get attached,but my heart is set on the price with all the focus i can muster up.Yup i may like some girl now but then again ,if God don't will it,it'll not last.

I renew and submit myself to the promise i made to God.

Scribble at 09:39 p.m.
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After a Long Absence
Sunday, January 2, 2005

Well people, yours truly is back!

Anyway,The mission trip was great.We saw the blind see,deaf hear and lame walk.Well,it's been great and i'm still challenging myself to even greater heights with God.

I've taken over Angela's cg as CGL now.Well,i've found back my conviction in Camp Radical Obedience.And even before that i was invited to Cornerstone's camp the day before our camp and it was there that slowly,i was convicted that this is what i want to do.So PRaise God.

Christmas and NEw year's day just passed.Well i supposed the Tsunami waves that killed 150,000 people so far is part of God's divine plan.Why?I don't know but perhaps in the better land,we will.

Scribble at 01:31 a.m.
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